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Friday, August 31, 2007

Mini Reviews From Bootleg Heaven



The social life cup isn't running over in the part of the world I'm in right now. Unless I find the sound of crickets exciting, I have to haul over to the Blockbuster 25 miles away for my movie fixins. A friend rented these gems for me to watch over the past few days:

Rain: A story of a musically talented black girl who has no idea why she 9 shades lighter than the rest of her "urban" family (Khandi Alexander and a surprisingly beat-up and cracked out looking Giancarlo Esposito) finds out she was abandoned by her white mama at birth. Based on the book by V.C. Andrews (Flowers in the Attic), it is a testament to why rich, white, privileged novelists should never attempt to write a book about gritty ghetto life. The results are fairly hilarious and not a bit realistic. Faye Dunaway plays Rain's grandmother who she comes to live with, and her face now looks like it was put together with several others' body parts. The theme song is repeated ad nauseum, to the point that if it weren't rented, I would have chucked it out the window for a tractor to run over.

Gas: Stars Flex Alexander, Sticky Fingaz, and Tyson Beckford (?!) as gas station attendants. 'Nuff said.

The Salon: *sigh* It wears me out to even type about this travesty. Take all of the worst sub-plot elements of every beauty and barbershop movie, roll them up in a cow-pie, wrap it with Vivica Fox, and add a 3 minute dash (literally) of Terrence Howard looking like he stepped out of an ashtray, and you have this movie. I don't know why anybody even bothered to show up. By the time it got to the stock beauty shop "gay guy" speech that would have made Harvey Milk and Harvey Fierstein proud, I went back to listening to the crickets....it was a lot more interesting. Oh, and Monica Calhoun gets on my nerves.

7 comments:

tobenson said...

HA! Yeah, sound like all winners :)

I think you'll get a kick out of this clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPvl9LpLp40

TAO

justjudith said...

wow, never heard of any of those gems. sounds rough!

coloredgirlswhohaveconsidered said...

Rain:
"and I really hope no white person ever has cause
to write about me
because they never understand
Black love is Black wealth and they'll
probably talk about my hard childhood
and never understand that
all the while I was quite happy"
Nikki Giovanni

Gas:
Flex, Sticky and Tyson?
Ditto! enuf said....

The Salon:
Well, at least V.A.Foxx was weaveless. I really don't know what else to say...

Invisible Woman said...

@jj: rough is an understatement @ coloredgirls: that poem was beautiful (and so true); I'm gonna post on my sidebar today.

Btw, I watched The Salon w/a friend who does hair (who also happens to be from Baltimore, where this movie was supposedly filmed) and she said Vivica was rocking something the girls wear there called a "26 piece". It looks very nice and unweavelike. We should have known better than Vivica actually going au natural...it's just not in her po' baby.

Keli said...

I've seen Gas, and someone needs to gather all of the DVD's, pour some gas on 'em, and light a match. I really don't watch too many movies. And it does not seem like that is going to change any time soon.

Invisible Woman said...

Don't give up Keli...there are tons of movies better than Gas, starting with Pootie Tang and Soul Plane....compared to "Gas" they look like The Godfather!

Mrs. Grapevine said...

That's when you rent a classic. The said thing is, I think I've seen all of these movies. Gas was only by mistake.