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Friday, November 16, 2007

Talking Turkey, Etc.....

Hey yall...I noticed in the past couple of days I've been sounding a bit cranky....I'm gonna take a little break and look at some different types of film and videos to mix it up a bit...I'm also in San Francisco and want to chill for a minute. I might not post till after the holiday (unless I feel like I have something important/self-important to say). I will be checking out everybody else's blogs, tho. A sad "aloha" to my comrade "Supernegro" who has decided to call it a day and discontinue his blog. May he and the Negro Justice League R.I.P.

Anyhoo--I will leave you with a couple bits of holiday shenanigans, this first one spotted over at "Celebrity Blitz".....whatever you do over the next week, hope it's all love!

With Thanksgiving approaching, here are some rules from Madea that should be observed: Print and give copy to each guest that enters your home.


1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it?" Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!


Danielle said...

This is a totally hilarious post. I LOVE the rules. I liked Supernegro's blog. I'm sorry to see him go as well.


gatamala said...

*DEAD* at #2

About the prayers....I've had to join hands in a "circle" (amoeba) that went througout the house. Really, now. Aren't 5 little cirlces less ridiculous. Food got cold...I don't see why we can't pray at halftime.

Shelia said...

Get some R and R and and refresh yourself IW! If we don't hear from you, you and your family have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving.

Regina said...

I read this over at Shae Shae's blog and almost died from laughing! You know a lot of black families can identify with some or probably all of that!
Enjoy your Holiday!

Debo Hobo said...

Cha that is so funny and true a good list to live by. I just may implement the 15 min. warning bell.

MsMarvalus said...

Good stuff! Get some rest girl...

Wanda said...

very funny. but I've got to know if the pig is in the greens! What is a girl supposed to do? :)

Green Fish said...

quite hot

Anonymous said...


Bohemian Hippie Chick said...

LOL...number two is just wrong!!

Happy Turkey Day IW!!

Anonymous said...

I have copied this list and will be handing print out this Thanksgiving. Thanks for the public service.


Right on time...negroes need rules when it comes to an abundance of food under one roof at one time!!

Hi Precious..this is my first visit and I loves it! i'm adding you to my rolls...the blogrolls that is! :)

Paula D. said...

Hilarious! Have fun in San Francisco! I love that place!

If you have time, check out a great restaurant called The Slanted Door.

Kayos said...

Girl folks do be brining they kids for you to babysit them. LOL! Damn shame what they did to that dog. I heard that. Bring the plates to the basement is also another good one. I'll be comin by more often.

Sincere said...

hahaha!! I am going to copy and print these rules!!! especially number 8!! I am not having a sleep over so yall can go to the club thanksgiving night just cuz ladies get in free!!!!sorry had a flashback!! lol... and number 7 is a must every holiday or gathering!!! See ya when you get back!!!

hottnikz said...

They have been passing this around at my job.