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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Officially Replaces "The Wash" As Worst "Movie" In History...

I don't even know where to start. "N-Secure" is so awful that you find yourself getting angry with everybody and everything that had anything to do with this "hot, period-panty mess" (c. nOvaslim). Have you ever felt yourself getting pissed off that the film you're watching was ever made in the first place? I know I haven't before this; the closest I've gotten was all of those Roc/Damon Dash movies starring Beanie Sigel and Memphis Bleek that I can't even remember the names of now. N-Secure makes those films look like Steven Soderbergh flicks, straight up.

I can't even give this "movie" a review, cause there is no real plot or point. I implore you never to come near this one...kinda look upon it like venturing near Dracula's coffin at sunset. But if you don't heed my very sage advice, know that I am about to give away some "spoilers" (though I really don't think it will make a bit of difference in your experience watching it). Here is my impression of the "movie" in bullet-points, cause this sh*t left me too spent to write full-on thoughtful paragraphs:

* First of all, how do you cast someone in the lead that looks exactly like Professor Oglevee from "The Parkers"? He even had his same...ummm...."zest" ifyaknowwhatimean. That distracted me for most of the "movie". Why not get the real thing? I'm sure he would have worked for the same salary as dude whose name I do not know and have no desire to look up.

* This "movie" is about a man who is so obsessed in his love relationships that he will practically beat down a woman if she is 4 minutes late (yes, literally), uses a CSI type blacklight to check for any stains on the sheets, put a GPS tracking system on his girl's car, goes ballistic over a curling iron burn cause he thinks it's a hickey, and makes his woman sign a contract that she will not have any girlfriends and return his calls within 1 minute. Yet no woman wants to leave him because of his high life in material things. WTF is this "movie" trying to say?

* I don't really know anything about "Nephew Tommy", but I do know he's in the running to be this century's Mantan Moreland. Can we have one more cue for bugged-out eye reaction, pretty please?

* Can somebody please explain to me why Thelma from "Good Times" has a three minute throwaway cameo in this "movie"? Is she related to one of the volunteer P.A.'s or something?

* Imma need Essence Atkins to show us that she has more range beyond what she has shown us on "Half And Half". I love her, but dang!

* I believe that this is the first time since "The Cosby Show" that I've seen Tempestt Bledsoe's hair looking decent, though 90% isn't really hers ifyaknaowwhatimean. Sadly, her acting hasn't improved even a microdot.

* Ditto for Elise Neal.

* Where the heck did they get the music from in this "movie"? It makes a Lifetime movie soundtrack sound like high-concept art. I mean strictly "As The World Turns" circa 1968.

* Why is Lamann Rucker (the only male eye-candy) given top billing, only to be bumped off in the first 15 minutes?

To sum up everything, this "movie" is about an unreasonable man who goes through extraordinary and quite unrealistic lengths to keep a leash on his woman. That's it. No reason is ever given for this, except that he had a controlling father...I would like to think it takes a little more than that to turn someone into a psychopath, but who am I to know? Obviously the writers of this "movie" know more than we do. A lot more, apparently, as nothing in this script or anything else makes any sense...including why this "movie" was made in the first place and why anybody even bothered to show the f*ck up.

Invisible Cinema rating: Z-


ladyglen ChicagoStyle said...

"* First of all, how do you cast someone in the lead that looks exactly like Professor Oglevee from "The Parkers"?"

I thought that was who it was. When they said "introducing" I said to myself, that's what's his name from The Parkers. From the trailer, you wouldn't think it was that bad.

Tafari said...

I am so happy that I didnt not have a drink nearby! When I say the 1st preview for this months ago, I thought it was a joke. It had to be with a cheesy commercial like that & starring Nephew Tommy!

Is that his government name?


I will not be seeing this even if they have it on at the salon for free!

Ash said...

I saw this mess. Luckily I didn't pay for it. I thought the lead guy did a decent job at playing a crazy guy. Despite being horrible, the movie WAS entertaining. Most comedies don't have me laughing this hard. The part where he gave the nurse a $100 bill to change the DNA test results had me dying!! For me,the worst actor, was probably Tempast Bledsoe. She looked like she was about to bust out laughing whenever she was supposed to be upset. Don't even get me started on the background music.

blaqbird said...

"...Everything that had anything to do with this "hot, period-panty mess" (cc. nOvaslim).

Oh.My.Lord. I'm glad I'm the only one at my job right now because I just about spit out my ginger ale all over the keyboard. Yikes! lol

IW, I knew this would be a hot mess from the title alone. NSecure? Really? You couldn't add on the "I"? What's up with that?

As someone who is new to acting, I just hope and pray that I won't have to do these low budget, hot mess productions just for a paycheck.

madame z said...

I wouldn't watch this movie if it were 'free' to watch. The trailer alone is cringe-worthy. So glad you came back from 'going there' with this feature.

WTF is this "movie" trying to say?

InDEED. Just watched the trailer again. Z- is much too generous. How about negative 'pi'? I'm so mean. LOL. "The Wash"...I just barely remember it, which is a good thing, I reckon. And #nuclearbombs??? *dead* LOL

Black Geisha said...

I'm not going to lie . . . I considered foregoing your sage advice. Then I looked at that horrible trailer. I don't think I want to do that to myself. And your labels for this post are HILARIOUS!

Anonymous said...

Oh...oh my...I am so...sorry that you forced yourself to watch this...."thing", IW. I my stars and garters!

I don't believe that this received a theatrical release! The trailer alone sullies the reputable name of straight-to-video flicks. And the lead actor DOES look like Dorien Wilson's clone.

BTW, I started blogging again two weeks ago. I post new essays every Sunday, so check 'em out!

Sergio said...

I'm sorry after reading what you said I just have to see the film now. As I suspected it sounds like the absolute laugh riot of the year.

Aside from the fact that Denise Boutte's (is that a porn star's name or what) weave looks like it costs more than the budget for the entire film

Anonymous said...

This "movie" wasn't even that kind of bad that is laughable, where the terribleness is comical. The badness actually made me angry at some points. This was just bad on too many levels. But the cast should have told me it would be this bad... sigh...

Sergio said...

Still I like to claim that I've seen everything so I guess I'll still watch this eventually. maybe it might work as a party joke video.

Supposedly a rumor I heard was that the lead, that Professor Oglevee lookalike (GOD that made me laugh. I thought it was him too when I first saw the trailer) Cordell Moore (what a name!!) put up most of the budget for the film. That would explain a lot

Sergio said...

P.S. Oh yeah what's the deal with Professor Oglevee's hair in the film? Looks like he tried to straighten out whatever little hair he has left and then greased it down with pommade. I mean WTF?

Citizen Ojo said...

You did your thing with this one....I loved this review. My wife laughed when she saw the poster for this at the movies. It wasn't even a real poster. It looked like they printed it off on a laserjet at regular poster size. Anyway..I told her to give it a chance and support "your folk" but after this review. I think its a always thanks for keeping it 100!!

Invisible Woman said...

@ladyglenchicago: trust me on this; it's bad. the trailer is the most decent aspect of this film (great editing)

@tafari: you know good and well you'd be watchin this mess gettin' those locks twisted!

@ash: it was entertaining from the perspective of getting a good laugh. that music however, just killed everything.

@blaqbird: i hope u don't too, but it seems these days none of our black actors are escaping these low budget flicks.

Invisible Woman said...

@madame z: negative pi? dang you are even more ruthless than i am! lol

@black geisha: and the trailer is by far the best part :-(

@v-knowledge: good! have to put your link back up!

@sergio: A"side from the fact that Denise Boutte's (is that a porn star's name or what) weave looks like it costs more than the budget for the entire film" LMAO!! she probably paid for her own weave from the looks of things.

i'm sure this is a movie you would love watching, then love ripping into tiny neat

Invisible Woman said...

@blog: i felt sorry for everyone in this film--except for the professor.

@sergio: dude financed this film? that explains EVERYTHING

@citizenojo:"My wife laughed when she saw the poster for this at the movies. It wasn't even a real poster. It looked like they printed it off on a laserjet at regular poster size." dang! hahahaha

Josephine said...

Professor Oglevee's daddy got some explaining to do .

Anonymous said...

Is this the worst movie? Then i'm gonna watch it.

8thlight said...

The Wash is worse than Soul Plane?

daisegom said...

Can you recommend me best black movies of all times? I have seen Coming to America and liked James Earl Jones acting. I am searching from many days but couldn’t find similar movies.