100,000% Better Than Madea's Trailer...

While probably sighing the deepest sigh anyone ever sighed after the watching the "Madea's Happy Family" trailer (at least I think that was the name of it), I decided to clear my mind with fellow film blogger Issa Rae's new webseries "The Misadventures Of An Awkward Black Girl". It's getting a big buzz (cause it's hilarious) and will definitely mean we'll never pick up "Soul Sis-Star Reviews" ever again; I see a deal in her future... *another sigh*

Officially Replaces "The Wash" As Worst "Movie" In History...

I don't even know where to start. "N-Secure" is so awful that you find yourself getting angry with everybody and everything that had anything to do with this "hot, period-panty mess" (c. nOvaslim). Have you ever felt yourself getting pissed off that the film you're watching was ever made in the first place? I know I haven't before this; the closest I've gotten was all of those Roc/Damon Dash movies starring Beanie Sigel and Memphis Bleek that I can't even remember the names of now. N-Secure makes those films look like Steven Soderbergh flicks, straight up.

I can't even give this "movie" a review, cause there is no real plot or point. I implore you never to come near this one...kinda look upon it like venturing near Dracula's coffin at sunset. But if you don't heed my very sage advice, know that I am about to give away some "spoilers" (though I really don't think it will make a bit of difference in your experience watching it). Here is my impression of the "movie" in bullet-points, cause this sh*t left me too spent to write full-on thoughtful paragraphs:

* First of all, how do you cast someone in the lead that looks exactly like Professor Oglevee from "The Parkers"? He even had his same...ummm...."zest" ifyaknowwhatimean. That distracted me for most of the "movie". Why not get the real thing? I'm sure he would have worked for the same salary as dude whose name I do not know and have no desire to look up.

* This "movie" is about a man who is so obsessed in his love relationships that he will practically beat down a woman if she is 4 minutes late (yes, literally), uses a CSI type blacklight to check for any stains on the sheets, put a GPS tracking system on his girl's car, goes ballistic over a curling iron burn cause he thinks it's a hickey, and makes his woman sign a contract that she will not have any girlfriends and return his calls within 1 minute. Yet no woman wants to leave him because of his high life in material things. WTF is this "movie" trying to say?

* I don't really know anything about "Nephew Tommy", but I do know he's in the running to be this century's Mantan Moreland. Can we have one more cue for bugged-out eye reaction, pretty please?

* Can somebody please explain to me why Thelma from "Good Times" has a three minute throwaway cameo in this "movie"? Is she related to one of the volunteer P.A.'s or something?

* Imma need Essence Atkins to show us that she has more range beyond what she has shown us on "Half And Half". I love her, but dang!

* I believe that this is the first time since "The Cosby Show" that I've seen Tempestt Bledsoe's hair looking decent, though 90% isn't really hers ifyaknaowwhatimean. Sadly, her acting hasn't improved even a microdot.

* Ditto for Elise Neal.

* Where the heck did they get the music from in this "movie"? It makes a Lifetime movie soundtrack sound like high-concept art. I mean strictly "As The World Turns" circa 1968.

* Why is Lamann Rucker (the only male eye-candy) given top billing, only to be bumped off in the first 15 minutes?

To sum up everything, this "movie" is about an unreasonable man who goes through extraordinary and quite unrealistic lengths to keep a leash on his woman. That's it. No reason is ever given for this, except that he had a controlling father...I would like to think it takes a little more than that to turn someone into a psychopath, but who am I to know? Obviously the writers of this "movie" know more than we do. A lot more, apparently, as nothing in this script or anything else makes any sense...including why this "movie" was made in the first place and why anybody even bothered to show the f*ck up.

Invisible Cinema rating: Z-

Where Da White Women At?

That really should have been the title of this film. What do you say about a movie that bills itself as the "Black" version of Warren Beatty's "Shampoo", yet has nothing in common with it except that a hairdresser has sex with his clients? A lot of sex.

"Black Shampoo" stars John Daniels (a Black Lou Ferrigno doppelganger), as "Mr. Jonathan", who apparently owns an upscale hair salon by the same name on Sunset Blvd. in Los Angeles, that supposedly caters to the elite. I say apparently and supposedly, because since this film seems to be made on about $26, we only see two rooms of this "upscale" salon that has a few chairs and a few ferns. And a couch in the back that would probably make a CSI black-light explode in disgust.


Mr. Jonathan must have been doing hair for a long time and had his fill, because we never see him actually styling one head. Oh, except in the opening credits, where it seems someone just washing your hair can give you the greatest orgasm you've ever had in your life.

Mr. Jonathan spends his day going from one white woman to the next, juking happily three to four times a day, either in the shop or making house calls. He does this while wearing his white hairstyling uniform, which looks like a gay male nurse's uniform, and never bothering to hit his peen with a lick of water in between trysts, not even with a moist baby wipe.


He hires a Black receptionist, and they go to dinner exactly one time, and decide they are completely and totally in love forever and ever. Well, I guess like they say, for Mr. Jonathan once you go Black, you never go back.

Turns out that said receptionist is Mr. Big's ho, and ran away, and Mr. Big kidnaps her back. It is unclear what exactly Mr. Big does, but he always carries a briefcase, even at the pool, and exclaims once loudly that he has to make "some goddamn speech at some goddamn dinner". To address what, heaven only knows.



The rest of the film shows Mr. Jonathan trying to get his Black Queen back, but that is genuinely just filler for the sex scenes. What this film is really is soft porn, and not very good soft porn at that. It is worth a look just to see how ridiculous some films of the period were, and how producers would put "Black" in front of everything and anything just to draw in an audience. It is also quite a sight to see Mr. Jonathan walk around like a baby gorilla in a two sizes too tight hairdresser uniform, and the awful, stunning, unbelievable 70's stereotypes of the gay male hairdressers he has working for him. Truly riveting....they make "Men On Film" from "In Living Color" look like Terry Crews and Tiny Lister.


Ms. Invisible says check it out.

Unfortunately, the movie trailer seems to have disappeared from the internets, but here is the radio commercial trailer for it...dripping with innuendos:

Movies Revisited: CB4

This is a cross-post from my resurrected blog "Soul Sis-Star Reviews":

Do you remember a time when people still wore Jheri Curls? When women loved Allen Payne with a passion? When Chris Rock had his original teeth and crack body, and looked like he had 15 cents to his name? When Stoney Jackson was still occasionally working (Theresa Randle too)? When Charlie Murphy was not even close to being as funny as Eddie? When Khandi Alexander looked 20 years older than she does now? When no one knew who Deezer D was (nothing's changed on that one, btw)?

I Heart Bokeem Woodbine....

Yes, I never, ever, ever thought I would actually have that phrase in my life in any capacity, but after reading his Twitter page, and LMMFAO for about 20 minutes, he just may have to replace Terrence Howard as the beloved to warm the cockles of Ms. Invisible's semi-cold heart.

Perusing his love for such fine cuisine as steak-um burgers, White Castle, spam and eggs, hot dogs and eggs, fried eggs and Carolina sausage, and hot dogs and cheese whiz, I came upon gems like this (sorry so low-tech can't do screenshots):

I just ate a mayo sandwich and kool-aid water. We dont have no sugar n shit. I took a Now and Later and put it in the bottom of the glass12:18 PM May 21st from web

From IW: Love it! He is real with his, and I am now, and forever will be, a stan. Check these others out--I almost choked on my Chardonnay....

I was at Jimbos last night and I seen Tommy Davison tweekin out. Being loud and sweating all nasty. He was rubbing his nipple and shit8:48 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

I scowled at that fool and he yelled at me in his Sammy Davis voice. Lay off the drugs. Tell Rosie Perez that shit too. She a bag lady on8:49 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

41st. She be out there holding doors askin for change. I told her ass to get a job. No one wants to hear her talk though she sound like8:50 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

An episode of the nanny dubbed over with that SAP telemundo shit. Ondelay your ass to an agent and do some work. No I can't spare change8:52 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

and this:

Just for jokes I called Jada P and asked to be on Hawthorne. She hung up on me. That's why her shit is tanking. I could save that shit.8:54 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

Call me cap'n save a show. No one wants to see her in that bad hair track and her 90 degree angle chin "acting". I got skills dammit8:55 AM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

and this:

Man screw Chris Brown and his nations of Islam bean pie ass bowtie. He's not a real man. You're told from jump not to hit girls. You knew11:27 AM Sep 3rd from Twitterrific

and this:

I cant stand these damn skinny jeans guys are wearing today. I dont need to see your ball sac in 3D nigga! 1 cat had on pants so tight2:34 PM May 13th from web

I think i saw the hair on his balls as well. That's some nasty shit. Making me feel all unsure about myself because I couldnt take my eyes2:35 PM May 13th from web

Off of that shit. He gonna ask me for an autograph next. I gave that mothafucka the scowl of death. I been working on that shit like2:36 PM May 13th from web

Zoolander. He backed the hell up off me, him and his balls. I think i could actually see the sperms swimming around and shit.2:36 PM May 13th from web

and this:

I'm finna call up Allen Payne and see if he wanna use some of that house of Payne money to take a nigga to Tavern on the Green.12:42 PM May 21st from web

and finally this:

I just searched my name on here and I/m mad as hell. Scowling so hard my lips hurting and shit. People got nerve.7:34 PM Aug 14th from web

From IW: No hate here 'Keem. It's all love from now on...check my new man out at @KeemWood :-)

A More Than Guilty Pleasure...

Alrighty...I was tagged (challenged) by my blog sis Issa Rae after I gave her a hard time about revealing her guilty pleasure; Damon Wayans' "Blankman", which surely made me give her the serious telephoto side-eye (to read her post, click HERE).

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned; I actually enjoyed "Norbit". *ducks as tomatoes are thrown*

What can I say? First off, how can you not laugh at a character named "Rasputia"? That is comedy. Every time she got into that tiny MG Midget car and her boobs made the horn blow I laughed. Yes, I realize that's sad, but I still think it's funny.

I kinda like it when Eddie plays a nerd. I happen to think his public persona is one of the most arrogant on earth, and it is very off-putting, but I also think it is to hide the real nerd underneath, that he plays so well in this and "Bowfinger" (another movie of his I happened to really enjoy). I also absolutely adore Thandie Newton.

This film was directed by Brian Robbins, who is responsible for 99% of Eddie Murphy's bombs...I still think Brian has a picture of Eddie and Johnny Gill in a compromising position--why on earth else would Eddie still work with him? But this is the one I don't mind, and would watch again--let the mudslinging on Invisible Woman begin. Issa Rae, I hope you're happy!

Here is a scene of Rasputia and Norbit in the car, and I laughed again while watching it...so sue me...haha!

Take A Gander....

How bout a couple of trailers? I wanted to post this last week, as I knew about this film before most (as I usually do) but I was too busy to post, so everyone looks like they have the scoop before me, as usual. I must step it up! For your perusal, "Takers" with Idris Elba, T.I., Chris Brown, Michael Ealy, and Zoe Saldana. Might be fun, but the poster, it's fair to say, is positively atrocious. Michael K. had this to say:

I have no clue what this Takers movie is about, but based on the poster I'm guessing the "something" everyone is after is NECKS! This shit should be called NECK TAKERS, because none of these motherfuckers on this poster have one! Paul Walker sort of has one, but it's hidden underneath that spandex turtleneck(?!!!?). I mean, what in the fuck?! My drunk computer-illiterate uncle, who thinks an ipod is a type of diaphragm (true story), could do a better Photoshop job than this!

I wish Paul Walker would use his GIGANTIC hands to rip that hat off of Hayden Christensen's head, because SamRo has been asking for it.

And part of me hopes the movie is just like the poster. You know, a bunch of cardboard cut-outs hanging around together, boozing, smoking and TAKING!




Saw this over at my blog sis' spot, IssaRae.Com....Barry Jenkins, director of "Medicine For Melancholy" has this new short about interracial love, involving a Black woman and an Asian man:




How about a bit of hilarity, yes? "Tamika The Arrogant African American Professional - Who Cant Keep A Man" featuring some "Waiting To Exhale" concepts:




Oh, I almost forgot...here is director F. Gary Gray's (Friday, Set It Off) new one with Jamie Foxx, "Law Abiding Citizen::

Things That Make Me Laugh....

--Willona Woods aka Mary J. Blige in Tyler Perry's "I Can Do Bad By Myself"

--Aunt Jemima's Revenge

--This blog based wholly on loony-tune blogger Sandra Rose (thanks sergio) lovingly referred to as "Crusty": http://sandraroseisahater.blogspot.com/

--This unfortunate trailer for the low budget, not even DVD worthy movie "Peaches" (thanks sergio):




--"Others" who wander onto this blog by some happenstance and say: "You and everyone on this blog are a bunch of racists!" And then proceed to break down how "inferior" we are in so many ways, and how we are just a bunch of ignorant apes, monkeys, or some other variance of primate. Folks that are also obviously completely and blissfully unaware of the term and meaning of "irony".

Obama Fingers. With curry dip. In front of the Golden Gate Bridge. Just why?

Hello All....

Sorry I haven't posted in a minute, but Mama's been taking care of some serious bidness the past 2 weeks. I want to say thank you to the new folks that are following my blog...I have found some very interesting reads through the blogs that you have. Kudos!

I will do a few more posts before we wrap up this crazy, amazing year. But today I want to leave you with 2 videos, both that highly peaked my interest. The first I was gonna do independently as a "Terrence Watch!" until I found the second vid. Thank you reader Harlepolis for sending this to me....it is of Jamie Foxx on Big Boy's radio show talking about his experiences with my beloved, Terrence Howard. He absolutely destroys it as he imitates Howard and his special way of talking, and speaks on Terrence's ummmm..."unique" personality. Funny as hayall!




This second one I saw while reading "On The Black Hand Side". It is of Etta James and Chuck Berry absolutely, positively KILLING it on some awards show. They show everyone, from youngest new jacks to the oldest heads, who the true royalty really is. Etta's talent is so huge, Bey can only dream at night of coming close...and Chuck is evidently quite the hype man.

You can see this reunion brought them back to the memories of their early days together...LMAO at Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones coming in on the end as if he were on the same level and caliber (or even deserved to be in the same room) as James and Berry.

<

Chuck Berry & Etta James
Uploaded by Roselyne14

If you are not able to view the above video, click here: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4naj_chuck-berry-etta-james_music

Ummmm...yeah...good luck with that...

Akon, following the desire of P. Diddy and Jamie Foxx, says he wants to play the first Black James Bond.

Niggaratti Shenanigans...

I'm sorry, but these two videos are funny as hayell...so sue me!

From Aaron McGruder of "The Boondocks"--Black Jesus (thanks long live the message):



From "This Week In Blackness"--Black Vs. Black, a spoof on the Mac/PC commercials:

Old School Music Friday....

OK, let me just confess that I haven't posted in a couple of days, cause these here Republicans have put Madame Invisible in a deep and complete funk. I was so angry the morning after Sarah Palin's speech that on my way to work, some old dude honked at me and flashed his lights cause I changed lanes in front of him, tho I was a clear 3 car lengths ahead of him. I was in a foul mood, so I switched lanes and slowed down to look at his ass, and lo and behold--he looked exactly like Dick Cheney--only fueling my pissed-offedness to the ninth degree. I must have chased that fool for blocks, yelling every obscenity I could think of. The dude looked like he was gonna pass out on the dashboard. Afterward, I knew that that I must not let these f*cking idiots get the best of me, and tried to focus on things that didn't make me want to roundhouse kick somebody in the face. This week meme, "Disco" makes me feel a bit better.

I used to sing this song in front of a mirror and pretend I was a straight diva when I sang it (even tho I was already one in the making, haha). My parents would play this song, and I loved it to death...and still do. The Diva that sang it (yes, with a capital D) came into a new horizon with this song (if I remember correctly, it was produced by the dudes from Chic)....and even tho this You Tube video doesn't have the full song, those of you who know it won't need it anyway. I chose it because it gave me extra levity when I watched it--I laughed out loud; the backup dancers are zestier than 10 bags of Florida oranges, straight from "The House Of La'Beija", and the precursors to Madonna's "Vogue" video before she even knew what was up. Check out the video, if only just for them!

Update: I meant to talk about this part but I forgot (thanks sdg1844!)...now that I'm older I know that this song is all about getting some righteous Vitamin D(ifyaknowwhatimean)--were my parents horrified when they heard me yelling out this song? haha!

AJ - http://overanalyzeit.wordpress.com/
Believer 1964 - http://ruhoffman.blogspot.com/
BklynQueen’86 - http://vanitydark.blogspot.com/
CC Groovy - http://ccgroovy.blogspot.com/
Chocl8t - http://thechocl8tdiaries.wordpress.com/
Cooper - http://wonderlandornot.net/
Shawn - http://dallassouthblog.com/
Danielle Vyas - http://modernmusings.com/
Dee - http://donotcolorme.blogspot.com/
DP - http://therealready.blogspot.com/
Fresh and Fab - http://freshandfab.blogspot.com/
Hagar’s Daughters – http://hagarsdaughters.blogspot.com/
Invisible Woman - http://invisible-cinema.blogspot.com/
John - http://altjirangamitjina.blogspot.com/
Kevin - http://slanttruth.com/
Kim - http://thepunkin-patch.blogspot.com/
LaKeisha - http://kreativetalk.blogspot.com/
LaShonda - http://thee-biz.blogspot.com/
Lil Creole Pimp - http://creolepimp.blogspot.com/
Lisa C - http://lisacwrites.blogspot.com/
Mahogany - http://www.mahoganydymond.net/
Malcolm - http://popculturedish.blogspot.com/
Marcus - http://marcuslangford.com/
MarvalusOne - http://themarvalusview.com/
Mike - http://thehappygoluckybachelor.blogspot.com/
Mrs. Grapevine - http://mrsgrapevine.com/
MsLadyDeborah - http://msladydeborah.blogspot.com/
Pjazzypar - http://www.tracesofastream.blogspot.com/
Pop Art Diva - http://popartdiva.blogspot.com/
Quick - http://thequickcatchup.blogspot.com/
Regina - http://reginasfamilyseasons.blogspot.com/
Shae-Shae - http://heyshae.com/blog
Sharon - http://thetrueurbanqueen.blogspot.com/
SJP - http://sojournersplace.blogspot.com/
Thembi - http://whatwouldthembido.blogspot.com/
Villager - http://electronicvillage.blogspot.com/
Vivrant Thang - http://songsinthekeyoflife.wordpress.com/
Zenobia - http://from-the-battlefield.blogspot.com/

For Those Of You In Need Of A Laugh...

I know I have been in dire need of one for the past couple days between those rabid, delusional Republicans and the world trying to squeeze every last solitary dolla out of yours truly. Saw the first one on "The Black Market Index"......it is a parody of what the "Jackass" movies would be like if they starred somebody Black, featuring Tracy Morgan in "Blackass":



Saw this one on "We Are Respectable Negroes". It is as old school humor as you can get, but for some reason, something about LaWanda Page (aka Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son) roasting everyone from Frank Sinatra to Don Rickles to Dom DeLouise in a lime green dress and an 8 inch high wig and calling Dean Martin a "wino" with "hot honky hands" tickles me to death. Kinda like your grandmother's slightly alcoholic sister calling folks out at the family reunion barbecue. Notice even the great Orson Wells looks a little bit scared that he's next: