Officially Replaces "The Wash" As Worst "Movie" In History...

I don't even know where to start. "N-Secure" is so awful that you find yourself getting angry with everybody and everything that had anything to do with this "hot, period-panty mess" (c. nOvaslim). Have you ever felt yourself getting pissed off that the film you're watching was ever made in the first place? I know I haven't before this; the closest I've gotten was all of those Roc/Damon Dash movies starring Beanie Sigel and Memphis Bleek that I can't even remember the names of now. N-Secure makes those films look like Steven Soderbergh flicks, straight up.

I can't even give this "movie" a review, cause there is no real plot or point. I implore you never to come near this one...kinda look upon it like venturing near Dracula's coffin at sunset. But if you don't heed my very sage advice, know that I am about to give away some "spoilers" (though I really don't think it will make a bit of difference in your experience watching it). Here is my impression of the "movie" in bullet-points, cause this sh*t left me too spent to write full-on thoughtful paragraphs:

* First of all, how do you cast someone in the lead that looks exactly like Professor Oglevee from "The Parkers"? He even had his same...ummm...."zest" ifyaknowwhatimean. That distracted me for most of the "movie". Why not get the real thing? I'm sure he would have worked for the same salary as dude whose name I do not know and have no desire to look up.

* This "movie" is about a man who is so obsessed in his love relationships that he will practically beat down a woman if she is 4 minutes late (yes, literally), uses a CSI type blacklight to check for any stains on the sheets, put a GPS tracking system on his girl's car, goes ballistic over a curling iron burn cause he thinks it's a hickey, and makes his woman sign a contract that she will not have any girlfriends and return his calls within 1 minute. Yet no woman wants to leave him because of his high life in material things. WTF is this "movie" trying to say?

* I don't really know anything about "Nephew Tommy", but I do know he's in the running to be this century's Mantan Moreland. Can we have one more cue for bugged-out eye reaction, pretty please?

* Can somebody please explain to me why Thelma from "Good Times" has a three minute throwaway cameo in this "movie"? Is she related to one of the volunteer P.A.'s or something?

* Imma need Essence Atkins to show us that she has more range beyond what she has shown us on "Half And Half". I love her, but dang!

* I believe that this is the first time since "The Cosby Show" that I've seen Tempestt Bledsoe's hair looking decent, though 90% isn't really hers ifyaknaowwhatimean. Sadly, her acting hasn't improved even a microdot.

* Ditto for Elise Neal.

* Where the heck did they get the music from in this "movie"? It makes a Lifetime movie soundtrack sound like high-concept art. I mean strictly "As The World Turns" circa 1968.

* Why is Lamann Rucker (the only male eye-candy) given top billing, only to be bumped off in the first 15 minutes?

To sum up everything, this "movie" is about an unreasonable man who goes through extraordinary and quite unrealistic lengths to keep a leash on his woman. That's it. No reason is ever given for this, except that he had a controlling father...I would like to think it takes a little more than that to turn someone into a psychopath, but who am I to know? Obviously the writers of this "movie" know more than we do. A lot more, apparently, as nothing in this script or anything else makes any sense...including why this "movie" was made in the first place and why anybody even bothered to show the f*ck up.

Invisible Cinema rating: Z-

Disturbing Picture Of The Week...

Okay, we all knew the real deal about what when on in the GA with Katt, though not too many wanted to say it: straight cracka-docia moves.

Now I see this sh*t, with the ultra-bailing perm. This latest mugshot is even more disturbing than the last one. A negro that keeps his perm fresh at all times that doesn't bother to get a touch up in weeks? All signs point to not good at all...please Katt, come back up and recognize the gifts God gave you, before we have another Pryor on our hands.

Superhead = Super Stupid

This is a repost of an article I did over today at Soul Sis-Star Reviews....

[On] my other blog I said I was about to review "Panther", which I still will, but I took a little detour off on the DVD "Kiss And Tail", which starts off being about video girls and groupies for about 15 minutes, then veers off into a bombardment against Superhead, aka Karrine Steffans, author of "Confessions of a Video Vixen" and "The Vixen Diaries".

I want to make it clear that I have ZERO love for Karrine, and it's not because of her sexual exploits. It is because of her as of late consistent 'holier than thou' attitude that I have read about and seen in interviews. I also have no respect for those who want to be famous and known at any cost whatsoever.

You see, I used to be heavily involved in rap on the business side. These dudes would come at you every day, every which way till Sunday. I don't believe they even cared about who you were or what you really looked like, as long as they felt you were even semi-attractive. They just wanted to see if they could get it. For Karrine to act like she cured cancer or something just by getting these guys that practically anyone could get, then blabbing about it to the whole world and acting like she did something special is just so f*cking ridiculous to me. Add that to the fact that she always refers to herself as "a New York Times bestselling author". Oh really, Toni Morrison? Talk to me when you write a book about something besides whose peen you put your mouth on.

Let's just say that it is welcoming to see her get a taste of her own medicine. The folks in this film are for reals, for reals, and they don't hold back, which I absolutely love. It is not speculation, but from the horses' mouth based on actual experiences and interaction with her.


Save the comments about "you have to respect her hustle!". I don't respect anyone that lies about having a baby to get money (see Ma Barker), lies about having been pregnant numerous times (see Darius McCrary aka Eddie Winslow), lies about not having sex with Jay Z (see her own words in her first book) lies about doing porno (see Mr. Marcus and some Samoan porn star dude whose name I forgot) lies about being married, lies about how long she was doing said activities, and lies about almost everything except f*cking, from what I can see.

She has the audacity to say that the things she did like getting paid $200 by Murder, Inc. to give blow jobs to everyone for the day was "Like being in college. I had just got a divorce, so I got a little wild. I deserved that" Ummm....noooo, that is not like college, sorry.

Also this: "I had to do these things. It was L.A., L.A. does this to you. If I didn't do these things I would have died". Whatever, B. I have lived in L.A. off and on for 20 years, and guess what? I never had to s*ck a d*ck to pay the rent, no matter how hard it got. You know why? Cause I didn't want to!

Though the film can get repetitive, and really won't hold a lot of interest unless you know about Karrine Steffans or the folks she juked, it is nice to see a woman that is a complete psycho and has ruined so many people with her ugliness get her comeuppance. You can tell narrator Wendy Williams is loving every minute of telling all of the salacious details as well.

Everyone in this film pretty much agrees that this woman could not have any friends--and I could see all of the anger and hurt of betrayal from those on film that testified. Like Ja Rule said, "Yes, you are famous, but you are not a star. A star is someone you want to emulate, someone that has something you wish you had. I don't think anyone wants to be like Karrine".

Amen.

When It All Falls Down....

I think I ruffled a few feathers not too long ago when I stated that "age was the enemy" on the post I did on Jimmy "J.J" Walker and Boy George, alluding to their rapid deterioration and alarming visages. Some said "It's not age, it's lifestyle!" True, that is a factor, but you can be the exercisinest veganist vegan, and it all hits the end of the road somewhere. I started thinking of this subject for several reasons...the first one being this:


That these two that practically anyone, at any time, at any place, would have smashed in the 90's end up looking like Michael Jackson's unholy apprentices. I just don't get it. NOTE TO HOLLYWOOD: Make a beeline to whomever works on Halle Barry and Jennifer Lopez and call it a day! Those two should be the only working plastic surgeons in the world. Period.



Yes, age is devastating, as was witnessed on the "American Idol" disco medley the other day. Much has been made of how "ancient" the guests were, but if any of the readers of this blog look like Freda Payne (67 in Sept), or Thelma Houston (63 in a yellow dress showing a massive amount of leg) at their ages, please let me know. As for KC of KC and the Sunshine Band....well, let's just say he is dealing with a numerous amount of the white man's burdens.





Another example of the perils of aging is the disappointing film I watched the other day, "Original Gangstas". I was very happy to live with the memory of the fine-ass (and I do mean ass) Fred Williamson, aka 'The Hammer' from the 70's, and this film was an unwelcome jolt of reality. It is a vengeance movie that brings together Williamson, Jim Brown (wearing this life's most unfortunate kufi to cover an even more unfortunate bald spot), Ron O'Neal (Superfly, looking like the cashier/weed dealer at your nearest bodega), Richard Roundtree (Shaft), and Pam Grier (Foxy Brown, with hair looking like it hasn't seen the working end of a flat iron for several decades). You would think bringing together the most iconic icons of 70's Blaxploitation would be the sh*t, but sadly, I was left wishing everyone would have just rested on their laurels, and all I wanted to do was hand out Restalyne and Ab Rollers to everyone involved :-(




But there are other things that can cause it to all fall down, most prolific being stupidity. Rapper/actor Xzibit is about to lose his house to foreclosure, after 100 years of "Pimp My Ride" and it's reruns. Terrence Howard is still whining about losing his part in "Ironman". Ummm....T? Everyone involved with this film has been a professional for years. You mumble, sleepwalk, and use your "quivering voice" at dramatic pauses, then proceed to jack your price up sky high? That is exactly why you are in some fucked up movie called "Fighting" with the other weirdest Black man in Hollywood, Roger Guenveur Smith, who is probably your doppelganger, and playing second fiddle to Channing Tatum, whoever that is. Maybe you can pick up where Wesley Snipes left off.

A loooong way from wearing Ironman's suit of armor, yes?



Stupidity coupled with being low budget is definitely the way to make it fall down. Idris Elba now refuses to do press junkets and attend the premieres of his masterpiece "Obsessed". Negro, you were on "The Wire". Did you even read the script for this POS? I'm assuming not, as it surely would have ended up in "the circular file" as my grandfather used to say--aka the wastebasket. Don't act all brand new now. What did you possibly hope to accomplish starring opposite Beyonce and Ali Larter, in a film that was produced by the dude that did "3 Can Play That Game?" Falling down, dude. Hard.



But nobody has fallen as hard in my recent memory as this next one. I watched a bootleg (yes, I'm going to Heck) of "Single Black Female", which is without exception the very worst film ever made, ever. It looked like it was filmed on a 1999 Nokia phone, yet I was could not stop watching it. I was completely transfixed by it's unbelievable horribleness--I think I was hypnotized. Beyonce can make a thousand "Obsesseds" and it wouldn't even come close to the stench of this flick. It "stars" Farrah Something Or Other, who used to be in Destiny's Child, and obviously that will forever be the zenith in her life till the grave. Yes, age is no joke, but combine being stupid, low budget, AND talentless and there is nowhere to go but down. Behold:




So I stand corrected, age is not the only enemy, but it is still definitely in the top five!

F*ckery All Around Me...

I know my posting has been spotty. The truth is, I've finished a transition back to the Bay Area to be closer to my parents, and I miss L.A. terribly...I will probably have to have residences in both places to keep everyone happy, the main person being me.

The weather has been atrocious in the Bay; cold, rainy, windy--the kind of weather that puts me in a deep, grouchy funk, as I am very, very much a sunshine person. I think my blogging has been affected as well...but fear not--I have come out of my cave for a moment to comment on some of the f*ckery that keeps slapping me in the face, haha.


How can I not say anything about the severe and unmitigated f*ckery that is Samuel Jackson? After being the super-overexposed version of Beyonce in the movie biz, he seems to want to dare us to hate him. He has signed on to do 9, yes nine, yes IX more pictures as the character Nick Fury. Is there anyone in life we want to see that much? I would saw off someone's foot to get close to Dwayne The Rock Johnson, but even I wouldn't want to see him in nine freaking pictures playing the same character. Just boo!


Also on my grouch radar is Tyler Perry. I said to myself that I wasn't going to dedicate anymore space to his projects except for straight reportage, but gawtdayum, a movie version of "I Can Do Bad All By Myself"? What next--Stepin Fetchit on Parade? I mean, that play was all sorts of funny, but it puts the chitlin', fatback, and hog maws in chitlin' circuit.


Speaking of chitlins, for some crazy Black History f*ckery, check out Thembi's post on white (and Black) America's tributes to our so-called history and tastes. True WTF?!? shenanigans if you ever saw it!


I kept silent about Slickback's stupid statement about the Chris Brown/Rihanna debacle (my advice still stands to only speak through a publicist, Terrence), and it is even more stupid as he was arrested for the exact same thing a few years back.

But what is this that Chris Brown was to star with Fantasia as Harpo in the Washington D.C. stage play version of "The Color Purple" (which he has been dropped from)? Remember this line? "You told Harpo to beat me!" Ummmm...ironeeeee....


Just setting my grouch/disgust factor off the charts is Marlon Jackson's complete lunacy about building a slavery theme park, complete with golf courses, spas, etc., coupled with a Jackson family museum. How much do we really know about Marlon? I mean he has never really said much before....how do we know he might not have some mild form of autism or something like that? All signs point to it with an idea so stupid I can dedicate 3 posts to it.


And finally, just the type of f*ckery that wears one to the bone--why, Whoopi, why?


Not that her wardrobe of choice should be any surprise. Let's take a look at some of her other Oscars dress choices, yes?





Clearly this woman has never been introduced to, or been within a 50 mile radius of a stylist, ever.


Okay, rants over. Just to balance out my mid-winter crotchetiness is some good news. I will be starting a sort of West Coast version of Reelblack, showing screenings of yet to be released independant and rarely seen throwback films, along with talks with actors, directors, etc. this summer called "Black Cinema At Large". Those of you in the Bay are very welcome to hang with yours truly. Each event will be posted on this blog so stay tuned, and stay blessed :-)

Niggaratti Shenanigans...

I'm sorry, but these two videos are funny as hayell...so sue me!

From Aaron McGruder of "The Boondocks"--Black Jesus (thanks long live the message):



From "This Week In Blackness"--Black Vs. Black, a spoof on the Mac/PC commercials:

Terrence Watch! Number Veinte

First Ironman and now this. What in the random heck?

'Oscar-nominated actor Terrence Howard allegedly assaulted composer Tex Allen in a backstage beatdown as they worked together on Broadway’s “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” last winter, according to a lawsuit. Now Allen, a jazz pianist and the brother of Debbie Allen - who directed the play - is demanding $5 million for his alleged fat lip, according to court papers. Allen claims the alleged assault ruined his music playing. The suit alleges that Howard confronted Allen while he sat at the piano at around 2:30 p.m. during a Jan. 24 rehearsal at the Walter Kerr Theatre and punched him repeatedly in the face and head.'

From IW: What is really going on when you have beef with the piano player of a Broadway play? Damn, that dude is so special. I suggest he calms down, stat, before he finds himself in Lindsey Lohan territory.

Random Movie News....

I guess it's time to have some actual Black Cinema news, considering that was why I created this blog. Unfortunately, not much has been going on (what a surprise) but here are some tidbits (scroll down for my other new posts and answers to your comments):

Brazilian helmer Jose Padilha will direct the drama "Marching Powder," a passion project that Don Cheadle has long wanted to star in and produce. The film is based on "Marching Powder: A True Story of Friendship, Cocaine and South America's Strangest Jail," a memoir Thomas McFadden wrote with Rusty Young.

Cheadle intends to play McFadden, a British man convicted of drugs trafficking in Bolivia and sent to La Paz's San Pedro prison for six years, where he worked as a prison tour guide in a corrupt prison that was subject to so much bribery that it had its own capitalist system. Brad Pitt's Plan B will also produce.

From IW: Is The Cheadle stuck on the accent thing? While it's admirable that Don and Brad are obviously not interested in doing trash, it would be nice if they would their invest time and energy on films that people actually want to see. Time will tell how this one works out.

In some semi-disturbing news:

Oscar nominee and Emmy and Tony Award winner Laurence Fishburne will join the cast of the CBS Paramount Network Television and Jerry Bruckheimer Television series, CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION, on the CBS Television Network. His character will debut in this season's ninth episode.

From IW: What tha???

The next item is old news, but I still wanted to comment on it:

Percy Miller (formerly Master P) has announced the launch of Better Black Television (BBTV) which is being touted as "a family friendly network that will provide positive content for a black and brown culture that will appeal to all races with a goal to bring people of color a choice when turning on their television." Taking his fast-paced and growing brand to Wall Street, Miller, BBTV's Chairman & CEO, makes history as the first hip-hop entrepreneur to own a television network. Five years in the making, BBTV is the brainchild and passion of some of the most diverse, powerful, celebrated entertainers, influentials and trendsetters from the television, film, professional sports, corporate America and music industries.

From IW: Okay. I have to say that Percy has the mark of a true businessman, changing like a chameleon when necessary and excelling, so maybe it will work. On the other hand, didn't they try this ish with the "Black Family Channel" (which imploded last year)? Robert Townsend, Evander Holyfield, and Randy Jackson (not the rich one) all invested in the channel with the same premise, and came up with nathan, nada. Hopefully this new venture will be better executed and nowhere near as low budget. (pic of percy from "Dancing With The Stars")

And finally, some news that made me sigh in disgust more than once:

Vin Diesel, star of Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick, promises two more Richard B. Riddick movies.

"David Twowy right now is writing the scripts. The only question is whether we take a page from the ‘Lord of the Rings’ guys and try to shoot the two chapters at the same time. There are two more in mind,” he said of Riddick, the Furyan warrior first introduced in the 2000 film “Pitch Black.” “‘The Chronicles of Riddick’ was presented as a three part trilogy that would answer ‘Pitch Black’ in the same way that ‘Lord of the Rings’ answered ‘The Hobbit.’”

Diesel told MTV News that in spite of the poor reception, the time between the sequels is only about getting it right, not about trying to find support.

From IW: Whatev! This coupled with the news that Vin will be in yet another "Fast and Furious" movie has me absolutely convinced that Hollywood has one thumb stuck in their mouths, and the other one stuck up their asses...in other words, completely and totally flatlined!

Today In B'Days....

The always lovely Whitaker is 47.

The usually annoying Eddie Griffin is 40.

Their birthdays were actually over an hour ago, but this is the first chance I had to post. I also wanted to post a related story....

Remember that debacle Eddie had about a year ago at the ultra boo-jee Black Enterprise 14th annual Golf and Tennis Challenge? If not I wrote about it HERE.

Well, Afro Nerd posted this story about the new version of this with the Bernie Mac/Obama function, and I could not agree more. Don't expect champagne when you buy Colt 45, I'm just sayin'!:

Must everything relate to Senator Obama? I think for the moment, the answer will be a resounding, "yes!" First off, please excuse the expletive laden stand up routine as performed by the incomparable Bernie Mac. It appears that Senator Obama's staffers were unaware or had a lapse in judgment by hiring a blue comedian such as Mac and then expecting Walt Disney corporate humor-don't let his recent work on the family friendly, Bernic Mac Show fool you! Eddie Griffin received a similar comeuppance last year when hired to perform in front of the Boule/Jack & Jill set (Black Enterprise members/supporters, more specifically) and his microphone was snatched from him by Enterprise publisher, Earl Graves. This time it was Obama coming to the "rescue" and denouncing. Word of advice to the good Senator-you can't denounce everyone. Check out this excerpt, courtesy of the Huffington Post:

CHICAGO (AP) _ Comedian Bernie Mac endured some heckling and a campaign rebuke during a surprise appearance Friday night at a fundraiser for Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Toward the end of a 10-minute standup routine at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in downtown Chicago, the 50-year-old star of "The Bernie Mac Show" joked about menopause, sexual infidelity and promiscuity, and used occasional crude language.

"My little nephew came to me and he said, 'Uncle, what's the difference between a hypothetical question and a realistic question?'" Mac said. "I said, I don't know, but I said, 'Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd make love to the mailman for $50,000.'"

As the joke continued, the punchline evoked an angry response from at least one person in the audience, who said it was offensive to women.

"It's not funny. Let's get Barack on," a man shouted from the crowd, which paid $2,300 each to support the Illinois senator.

About 15 minutes later, Obama tried to smooth things over with a joke of his own.

"We can't afford to be divided by race. We can't afford to be divided by region or by class and we can't afford to be divided by gender, which by the way, that means, Bernie, you've got to clean up your act next time," Obama said. "This is a family affair. By the way, I'm just messing with you, man."

From IW:

A) I thought that ish was hella funny (I know Obama did too) and wasn't offended at all.

B) Ummm....Obama; you might want to calm down with the "denouncing", homes.

How Bernie probably side-eyed this foolishness

Get On Down Jeffrey!

SHREVEPORT, La. - Actors Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright, along with members of a crew filming an Oliver Stone movie, were arrested during a bar fight Saturday morning, police said.

Shreveport police Sgt. Willie Lewis said Brolin, Wright and five others were arrested just after 2 a.m. at a club called the Stray Cat bar.

A call to deal with a rowdy patron drew interference from other patrons, Lewis said.

The Times of Shreveport reported that Brolin was booked and posted $334 cash bond to be released. Police could not say Saturday night whether he or the others had been released. The paper said they are part of the crew on an Oliver Stone film, "W," about President George W. Bush.

From IW: Ultradignified Jeffrey Wright in a barfight? Yeeeehaw!!

thanks sergio!

Interesting...

I've never been much of a Mike Epps fan; something about him just rubs me the wrong way, and this pretty much seals it:

Actor/comedian Mike Epps beat the shit out of a process server who was trying to serve him with paternity court papers. Remember back in March when that chick from Georgia said Mike fathered her baby and she wanted him to take a paternity test but he refused? Well homegirl tried to have Mike served backstage at a Louisville Kentucky comedy club and it did not go well. According to police reports, the server says he tried to hand Mike the papers, but got his ass handed to him instead. Dude says he came out of the skirmish with an abrasion to the right side of his head and his left eye swollen shut.*

From IW: Do we really need Maury Povich or Sherlock Holmes to figure this one out? Hello my brothers--it's called a 3 dollar condom...damn!

*source: rws

Really, Jada?

I promise to have some real movie news later today...but at the moment I am enjoying LA sunshine and Sapporo. In the meantime, here is a clip I've been meaning to post ever since I saw it on Undercover Black Man's blog. It is of Jada Pinkett and her "band" Wicked Wisdom on David Letterman. Just....damn.

She scares me now even more than before. All 4'11 of her.

ok, not really; i'd kick her ass, but she's still scary!

This N That

Hello all. I really missed you guys. I'm sorry I haven't been posting, but yours truly has been really busy. Unfortunately, it isn't spending lottery winnings. *sigh*. But I will tell you I am glad to be home, and have never been so happy to see palm trees in my whole life...

I'll put up a post tonight, but probably won't be able to answer your comments till tomorrow. And to my Old School Friday fam, I'm back in action this week.


I haven't been on the blogs, but how can you not hear about that Mimi/Nick Cannon debacle? And I thought he was lucky playing Arthur Ashe. That mofo has hit the lotto! All I can say is good luck to both of them. And oh, Nick's ding ding must be made of gold and diamonds.


While traveling I was watching CNN in an airport, and lo and behold there was an interview with Sidney Poitier by Larry King. Only Larry King can make a conversation with one of the most historic black actors ever seem like a calculus class. So freakin' boring!

There was one interesting tidbit, tho. Sidney told a story about how he came upon his first audition cause he saw an ad in a newspaper. He thought it was just a regular job, cause it was posted next to the dishwasher jobs he was looking at. Anyhoo, he goes to the audition, and he doesn't even know how to read! It is hard to believe, as one would think Sidney came out of the womb reading a book. The audition guy basically kicked him out and told him he was an idiot.

Sidney left, but the more he thought about it, the more pissed he became until he was enraged. He was angry that this man would treat him that way, and vowed that he wouldn't let the experience define who he was. He was not going to let this man think he was justified in saying he was a horrible actor, and a horrible person, and set out to prove him wrong. I think that mission was definitely accomplished.


For my Philly folkses:


Reelblack’s BEST IN PHILLY SHORT FILM SHOWCASE

Reelblack concludes it’s Fifth Season with a special program showcasing some of the best new work by filmmakers of color in the Tri-state area.

Come for an exciting night of narrative, documentary, PSA, music video and animation by filmmakers Shannon Newby, Fantz T. Excellent, Nadine Patterson, Patrick Pierre Belinda M. Wilson, Rick Morris, Bryan Green, Roz Fulton, Akbar Azziz & Mamie Young, Tim Greene, Mike D. Ben Foster and Joseph H. Lewis III & Eugene Haynes. Discover the next wave of visual storytellers raised on cheesesteaks, pretzels and Schuylkill punch.

Tuesday May 13 at 7pm (doors 6:30) INTERNATIONAL HOUSE 3701 Chestnut Street Philadelphia, PA 19104 215-387-5125 Admission $5 students & members/ $7.00 Adults. Visit http://www.reelblack.com/ for details.



For the ladies (and some men); click HERE to read my beloved Sergio's interview with my fifth husband Chiwetel Ejiofor.



And finally, can someone please, please, please tell Hillary to go the f**k away? You know your campaign is in trouble if there are Barak Obama signs posted all over Texas (like I saw earlier this week). Texas for chrissakes!

Her arrogance is maddening...basically in my eyes it boils down to her thinking "I know they are never gonna make this ni**er president, not in this lifetime. So I'm gonna keep going until everyone else sees it too! I could give a sh*t if it completely implodes the Democratic party."

The problem is, some very important people are starting to make rumbles that it is time for her to kick rocks. Even ol' Bill looked like he was chewing on crushed glass during her Indiana victory speech. And if they keep allowing her to hang around, and if she or that mummy that is McCain wins the presidency, then this country deserves everything it gets, straight up.

Gary Parties Like It's 1999...

I don't know if Gary is leaving CSI to make more movies or make more time to party. Either way he better slow his roll. Spotted on D-Listed:

Gary Dourdan of "CSI" was arrested in Palm Springs yesterday on suspicion of possessing heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drugs. TMZ reports that the cops found him asleep in his car at 5:21 in the morning. He was taken to a Palm Springs jail where he later posted $5,000 bail and was released.

From IW: Damn! At least wait till you get home. What is up with all these celebs flying high while driving? Shenanigans I tell ya.

btw, the pic is gary's mugshot

Ruh Ro....

PROSECUTORS WANT SNIPES IN JAIL FOR 3 YEARS: U.S. recommends 36 month sentence and $5 million fine in tax case.

U.S. prosecutors have recommended that Wesley Snipes serve a maximum three-year prison sentence and pay a $5 million fine for failing to file his income taxes, according to a tax-season court filing.

U.S. Attorney Robert O'Neill of Florida says his goal is to deter other potential tax dodgers by making an example of Snipes, who after years of "brazen defiance" of U.S. tax laws cheated the government of $41 million.

"This case cries out for the statutory maximum term of imprisonment, as well as a substantial fine, because of the seriousness of defendant Snipes' crimes and because of the singular opportunity this case presents to deter tax crime nationwide," O'Neill wrote.

Snipes was convicted in February on three misdemeanor counts of willfully failing to file federal tax returns for 1999-2001. Each count comes with a maximum sentence of one year.

The actor was acquitted on two felony charges of filing false claims and fraud in seeking millions of dollars of refunds in other tax years.

wesley at his aquittal


wesley now

From IW: This might be yo ass Mr. Snipes



(thanks sergio)

Hollywood's 6 Favorite Offensive Stereotypes...

Hello all. Just to make you aware, there will be some very minor changes around here while your girl goes mobile and international...fabulosity always requires change, haha. You'll see what I'm talking about in a minute, but until then, here is something I saw today via cooleyhigh's site, from Cracked. It's a bit long, but true, and funny (at least I thought so):

People think of Hollywood as the most liberal place in the known universe, but really that only goes as far as the drugs and orgies are concerned. When it comes to minorities, Hollywood still seems to have a few shamefully corny and simplistic roles in mind. Here's the six Hollywood stereotypes that can't die soon enough:

#6.
The Magic Negro

As Seen in:
The Green Mile, The Legend of Bagger Vance, The Shawshank Redemption, Bruce Almighty, Song of the South

The Magic Negro is a simple, humble person. Perhaps he is a janitor, or a farmer, and he doesn't know anything about those fancy colleges or them modern sciences, but what he knows, he knows from the heart, and that makes it truer than any of your whitey statistics, facts or pie charts.

He can have actual magical powers (Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile) or simply possess an extraordinary level of earthly wisdom (Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption).

In all cases, the Magic Negro has zero ambitions of his own. His entire existence revolves around the lead white character, whom they help with their simple, rustic wisdom even if it costs them their lives. It's as if they have nothing better to do, which they don't, because the plot is about the white guy achieving his goals.

What's So Bad About That?

Notice that the Magical Negro's powers are not in any way due to his own work or training at all. He's no Batman. And why do they have to be prisoners or janitors again?

Also, notice that they're still acting as the servant here. They only exist in the story to help the lead white character. That's right, black youth of America: even if you discover you have powers that transcend time and space, you'll still wind up serving the white man. Hell, Morgan Freeman's God in Bruce Almighty basically alters the whole fucking universe, just so Jim Carrey can get his priorities straight.

#5.
The Gay/Effeminate Psychopath

As Seen in:
Silence of the Lambs, Stargate, Dune, 3:10 To Yuma, The Powerpuff Girls, Braveheart, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Rob Roy, The Lion King, countless anime.

The Flaming Homo Bad Guy only has one goal in life, to be gayer and more evil than anybody else. If he sees a guy in a salmon-colored shirt and white khakis clubbing a baby seal, the Flaming Homo Bad Guy will put on a pink tutu, gather up some baby seals, kittens and puppies and rent a wood chipper.

He may actually be overtly homosexual (Braveheart) or he may just carry out his evil with a series of effeminate gestures and phrases and show a creepy, semi-erotic fascination with the male hero.

What's So Bad About That?

You may be asking why we included this instead of the "Bad Guy With Foreign Accent" seen in countless action movies--the Die Hard films, just for starters.

The difference there is at least there's usually some sort of reason in the plot why the foreign bad guy is foreign. The movie Red Dawn may have been propaganda, but the bad guys were Russian because it was about a war with Russia, not because Russians are inherently dicks.

The effeminate bad guy, on the other hand, plays right to the insecurities of the young, male audience those movies are aimed at, taking everything they find disgusting about homosexuality and using it to ratchet up the horror.

"Look! A serial killer!"
"Meh."
"And he's dancing around naked in a room full of body parts!"
"That's pretty gross, I guess."
"And he's stuffed his junk between his thighs so he looks like a woman!"
"OH JESUS GET OUT OF MY WAY I'M GOING TO BE SICK."

#4.
The Latina Maid

As Seen in:
Goonies, Maid in Manhattan, Spanglish, Crash, Mad Money, Down and Out in Beverly Hills.

The Latina Maid's role before was usually played by compact Hispanic women between 30 and 60 years old, but now may be played by J.Lo. The entire role has them in the background of the film running around with a vacuum cleaner, or waving a duster around at some vases removing their dust and your dignity at the same time.

But don't worry! The Latina Maid will usually have her time to shine and use her special secret move in the middle of the movie, when she runs into one of the important lead characters doing something "wacky" like cross-dressing, parading in a Hitler costume, or spreading peanut butter on his genitals in front of the family dog.

At this point the Latina maid will do the sign of the cross at lighting speed multiple times and scream "AY, EL DIABLO!" before running away and screaming hysterically, never to be seen in the foreground again.

If you want details you can always ask actress Lupe Ontiveros ...

... Who has been cast as a maid between 150 to 300 times.

What's So Bad About That?

Back in the '50s, Hollywood assumed that by 2000 the American cities would be utopias served by an army of robot servants. So we shouldn't exactly be bursting with pride over the fact that here in the future we've replaced "robots" with "grossly underpaid immigrants."

But why does "Latina Maid" make the list whereas, say, the "Sexy Latino Gardener Who Bangs the Lady of the House" doesn't? The problem is Hollywood has progressed from using the Latina maid as a prop to give those wacky, exaggerated foreigner reactions (i.e., the ending of Goonies) to the more modern, enlightened version where the maid is young and saucy and is the object of lust for the Caucasian male of the house (Maid in Manhattan, Spanglish).

Great job, Hollywood! You've elevated the Latina maid all the way up into "French maid" territory. Can the sexy "Latina maid" Halloween costumes be far behind?

Progress!

#3.
The Mighty Non-Whitey

As Seen in:

The Black Knight, Bringing Down the House, Trading Places, Hairspray, Money Talks, Head of State, Bullworth, Houseguest, Big Momma's House 2.

This is a kind of flip-side to a genre of movie you've seen a hundred times. In those films, the white, American male has to live with a non-white or non-American (or both) culture for some reason. At first, white American doesn't like the other culture, but slowly starts adopting it.

At the end of the movie, the white American saves the day with his whitey know-how and is considered a really awesome member of his new community (see The Last Samurai, Dances With Wolves, City of Joy, etc).

The "Mighty Non-Whitey" takes that idea and turns it around, where the jive-talking black guy winds up in some white-dominated situation and turns their world upside down (see Head of State, where a black man runs for president! Ha!)

What's So Bad About That?

You'll notice that in the white version of this tale, the white man adopts to the other culture and then excels (will not Dances With Wolves' Kevin Costner be remembered as the greatest Sioux of them all?). But with a black actor in the role, suddenly he's the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, a fish out of water, saving the day with dancing, rapping and taking things easy.

At best, the hero is a fast-talking con artist, who's constantly putting one over on the trusting, stuffy whites (Beverly Hills Cop). Usually the tension between cultures is resolved once and for all when the stuffy white man adopts one of his ghetto catchphrases, or, even better, raps a little.

#2.
The Wise, Old, Asian Asshole

As Seen in:

Big Trouble in Little China, Heroes, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Kill Bill, Norbit, any kung fu movie with a training sequence, any movie with a scene inside a dry cleaning shop.

The mean, old, Asian asshole is usually played by old Asians or British actors pretending they are old Asians (more common back in the day when Asians were too Asian to appear in movies, even as Asians).

As its name can attest, the character is mean, old and a gigantic asshole. His entire purpose in life is to hurt and humiliate any person that wanders into his asshole-radius--or, as the scientists call it, the fuckusphere,--with a litany of insults, snappy comebacks or plain kicks and punches delivered with a heavy, vaguely Asian accent and the usual jumbled grammar.

The catch with this one is that often the Asian asshole turns out to be right in the end. Mr. Miyagi goes out of his way to make the Karate Kid's life hell, teaching his skills in the most annoying way possible all while arbitrarily withholding information that would have made the process easier for everyone. But, in the end, he makes the Karate Kid good at karate, which saves him from living a life with an embarrassingly mismatched nickname.

Even a show like Heroes, with its groundbreaking Japanese lead in Hiro, still introduces the stereotypical Old Asian Asshole in Hiro's father. And in the end, wouldn't you know it, it turns out he was right all along! He just felt the need to be a dick about it.

What's So Bad About That?

This one seems to simultaneously play off both our lingering post-World War II nervousness over Japan, and the sense of inferiority Americans have felt since the '80s when we started to realize how much better their cars, TV's and stereos were than ours.

So somehow we wind up with a character who is superior, and who possesses all of the secrets and techniques the white main character needs to succeed, but who for no reason at all will only share them after forcing him to penetrate 13 layers of pure asshole.

#1.
The Cowardly/Incompetent Black Sidekick

As Seen in:
The Fifth Element, Dungeons & Dragons, Die Hard, Superman III, and a lot of movies with Eddie Murphy and Chris Tucker.

A black cop and a white cop teaming up to defeat terrorist drug dealers/baby snuff porn peddlers is a beautiful and totally normal thing. Ebony, ivory, fighting crime together in harmony!

The problem comes when some higher up sees Lethal Weapon, starts messing with the formula and decides that one half of the team should be "funny." Now, there is nothing wrong with being funny, but then what's funnier than a bumbling, incompetent, annoying, cowardly person fighting crime with a serious, hard-as-nails action hero?

Now make a wild guess and tell us which half of the team is the one getting saddled with the non-heroic role?

What's So Bad About That?

If we have to explain why it's bad that the black guy is always the dumb one and the white guy is the invincible action-god, then we probably don't have enough room here to bring you up to speed.

What is interesting is the Bad Boys franchise, where Martin Lawrence plays the cowardly/incompetent black sidekick, but to a partner who is also black, but just in a more acceptable way. Does that still count? If not, why?

We'll leave that to you to figure out. Write a paper on the subject and turn it in by Thursday.