Somethin' In The Milk Ain't Clean...

Okay, somebody is gonna look like a complete and total fool any minute now. Spotted on Bossip:

Allegedly, Chris Tucker is on some dead-beat ish:

“Chris Tucker is facing a legal battle with a woman who claims he is the ‘deadbeat father’ of her two-year-old daughter. Gail Webb is demanding child support payments from the 35-year-old comedian, claiming the pair dated for years before he disappeared as soon as they discovered she was pregnant with little Krista Jane.She says, ‘I just want help with Krista and want her to know her father. If Chris Tucker wants to go to court, I welcome the opportunity to show the world what a big liar - and deadbeat father - he really is.’ But the Rush Hour star maintains he has never even met his accuser.”

Say it isn’t so. Especially with all those stacks, we hope he’s not holding out on his responsibilities. On the other hand, it does sound like that chick is looking for a payday. DNA tests never lie, so we’ll have to wait ‘n’ see on this one.

From IW: What kind of mess is this? She says they dated for years, and he says he never even met her. Jesus be a paternity test. Remember the rumor that he and india.arie were dating? What happened to that?

Today In B'Days

Martin Lawrence is 43.

I honestly don't know what to say about him and his films anymore--he seems to have veered off and mirrored Eddie Murphy's career. At least he'll never be broke again, yes?

I'll skip the last 10 years of his movies, and go back to when I actually thought he was funny (with the added bonus of hilarious vintage Chris Tucker and Bernie Mac):

Hollywood's 6 Favorite Offensive Stereotypes...

Hello all. Just to make you aware, there will be some very minor changes around here while your girl goes mobile and international...fabulosity always requires change, haha. You'll see what I'm talking about in a minute, but until then, here is something I saw today via cooleyhigh's site, from Cracked. It's a bit long, but true, and funny (at least I thought so):

People think of Hollywood as the most liberal place in the known universe, but really that only goes as far as the drugs and orgies are concerned. When it comes to minorities, Hollywood still seems to have a few shamefully corny and simplistic roles in mind. Here's the six Hollywood stereotypes that can't die soon enough:

#6.
The Magic Negro

As Seen in:
The Green Mile, The Legend of Bagger Vance, The Shawshank Redemption, Bruce Almighty, Song of the South

The Magic Negro is a simple, humble person. Perhaps he is a janitor, or a farmer, and he doesn't know anything about those fancy colleges or them modern sciences, but what he knows, he knows from the heart, and that makes it truer than any of your whitey statistics, facts or pie charts.

He can have actual magical powers (Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile) or simply possess an extraordinary level of earthly wisdom (Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption).

In all cases, the Magic Negro has zero ambitions of his own. His entire existence revolves around the lead white character, whom they help with their simple, rustic wisdom even if it costs them their lives. It's as if they have nothing better to do, which they don't, because the plot is about the white guy achieving his goals.

What's So Bad About That?

Notice that the Magical Negro's powers are not in any way due to his own work or training at all. He's no Batman. And why do they have to be prisoners or janitors again?

Also, notice that they're still acting as the servant here. They only exist in the story to help the lead white character. That's right, black youth of America: even if you discover you have powers that transcend time and space, you'll still wind up serving the white man. Hell, Morgan Freeman's God in Bruce Almighty basically alters the whole fucking universe, just so Jim Carrey can get his priorities straight.

#5.
The Gay/Effeminate Psychopath

As Seen in:
Silence of the Lambs, Stargate, Dune, 3:10 To Yuma, The Powerpuff Girls, Braveheart, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Rob Roy, The Lion King, countless anime.

The Flaming Homo Bad Guy only has one goal in life, to be gayer and more evil than anybody else. If he sees a guy in a salmon-colored shirt and white khakis clubbing a baby seal, the Flaming Homo Bad Guy will put on a pink tutu, gather up some baby seals, kittens and puppies and rent a wood chipper.

He may actually be overtly homosexual (Braveheart) or he may just carry out his evil with a series of effeminate gestures and phrases and show a creepy, semi-erotic fascination with the male hero.

What's So Bad About That?

You may be asking why we included this instead of the "Bad Guy With Foreign Accent" seen in countless action movies--the Die Hard films, just for starters.

The difference there is at least there's usually some sort of reason in the plot why the foreign bad guy is foreign. The movie Red Dawn may have been propaganda, but the bad guys were Russian because it was about a war with Russia, not because Russians are inherently dicks.

The effeminate bad guy, on the other hand, plays right to the insecurities of the young, male audience those movies are aimed at, taking everything they find disgusting about homosexuality and using it to ratchet up the horror.

"Look! A serial killer!"
"Meh."
"And he's dancing around naked in a room full of body parts!"
"That's pretty gross, I guess."
"And he's stuffed his junk between his thighs so he looks like a woman!"
"OH JESUS GET OUT OF MY WAY I'M GOING TO BE SICK."

#4.
The Latina Maid

As Seen in:
Goonies, Maid in Manhattan, Spanglish, Crash, Mad Money, Down and Out in Beverly Hills.

The Latina Maid's role before was usually played by compact Hispanic women between 30 and 60 years old, but now may be played by J.Lo. The entire role has them in the background of the film running around with a vacuum cleaner, or waving a duster around at some vases removing their dust and your dignity at the same time.

But don't worry! The Latina Maid will usually have her time to shine and use her special secret move in the middle of the movie, when she runs into one of the important lead characters doing something "wacky" like cross-dressing, parading in a Hitler costume, or spreading peanut butter on his genitals in front of the family dog.

At this point the Latina maid will do the sign of the cross at lighting speed multiple times and scream "AY, EL DIABLO!" before running away and screaming hysterically, never to be seen in the foreground again.

If you want details you can always ask actress Lupe Ontiveros ...

... Who has been cast as a maid between 150 to 300 times.

What's So Bad About That?

Back in the '50s, Hollywood assumed that by 2000 the American cities would be utopias served by an army of robot servants. So we shouldn't exactly be bursting with pride over the fact that here in the future we've replaced "robots" with "grossly underpaid immigrants."

But why does "Latina Maid" make the list whereas, say, the "Sexy Latino Gardener Who Bangs the Lady of the House" doesn't? The problem is Hollywood has progressed from using the Latina maid as a prop to give those wacky, exaggerated foreigner reactions (i.e., the ending of Goonies) to the more modern, enlightened version where the maid is young and saucy and is the object of lust for the Caucasian male of the house (Maid in Manhattan, Spanglish).

Great job, Hollywood! You've elevated the Latina maid all the way up into "French maid" territory. Can the sexy "Latina maid" Halloween costumes be far behind?

Progress!

#3.
The Mighty Non-Whitey

As Seen in:

The Black Knight, Bringing Down the House, Trading Places, Hairspray, Money Talks, Head of State, Bullworth, Houseguest, Big Momma's House 2.

This is a kind of flip-side to a genre of movie you've seen a hundred times. In those films, the white, American male has to live with a non-white or non-American (or both) culture for some reason. At first, white American doesn't like the other culture, but slowly starts adopting it.

At the end of the movie, the white American saves the day with his whitey know-how and is considered a really awesome member of his new community (see The Last Samurai, Dances With Wolves, City of Joy, etc).

The "Mighty Non-Whitey" takes that idea and turns it around, where the jive-talking black guy winds up in some white-dominated situation and turns their world upside down (see Head of State, where a black man runs for president! Ha!)

What's So Bad About That?

You'll notice that in the white version of this tale, the white man adopts to the other culture and then excels (will not Dances With Wolves' Kevin Costner be remembered as the greatest Sioux of them all?). But with a black actor in the role, suddenly he's the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, a fish out of water, saving the day with dancing, rapping and taking things easy.

At best, the hero is a fast-talking con artist, who's constantly putting one over on the trusting, stuffy whites (Beverly Hills Cop). Usually the tension between cultures is resolved once and for all when the stuffy white man adopts one of his ghetto catchphrases, or, even better, raps a little.

#2.
The Wise, Old, Asian Asshole

As Seen in:

Big Trouble in Little China, Heroes, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Kill Bill, Norbit, any kung fu movie with a training sequence, any movie with a scene inside a dry cleaning shop.

The mean, old, Asian asshole is usually played by old Asians or British actors pretending they are old Asians (more common back in the day when Asians were too Asian to appear in movies, even as Asians).

As its name can attest, the character is mean, old and a gigantic asshole. His entire purpose in life is to hurt and humiliate any person that wanders into his asshole-radius--or, as the scientists call it, the fuckusphere,--with a litany of insults, snappy comebacks or plain kicks and punches delivered with a heavy, vaguely Asian accent and the usual jumbled grammar.

The catch with this one is that often the Asian asshole turns out to be right in the end. Mr. Miyagi goes out of his way to make the Karate Kid's life hell, teaching his skills in the most annoying way possible all while arbitrarily withholding information that would have made the process easier for everyone. But, in the end, he makes the Karate Kid good at karate, which saves him from living a life with an embarrassingly mismatched nickname.

Even a show like Heroes, with its groundbreaking Japanese lead in Hiro, still introduces the stereotypical Old Asian Asshole in Hiro's father. And in the end, wouldn't you know it, it turns out he was right all along! He just felt the need to be a dick about it.

What's So Bad About That?

This one seems to simultaneously play off both our lingering post-World War II nervousness over Japan, and the sense of inferiority Americans have felt since the '80s when we started to realize how much better their cars, TV's and stereos were than ours.

So somehow we wind up with a character who is superior, and who possesses all of the secrets and techniques the white main character needs to succeed, but who for no reason at all will only share them after forcing him to penetrate 13 layers of pure asshole.

#1.
The Cowardly/Incompetent Black Sidekick

As Seen in:
The Fifth Element, Dungeons & Dragons, Die Hard, Superman III, and a lot of movies with Eddie Murphy and Chris Tucker.

A black cop and a white cop teaming up to defeat terrorist drug dealers/baby snuff porn peddlers is a beautiful and totally normal thing. Ebony, ivory, fighting crime together in harmony!

The problem comes when some higher up sees Lethal Weapon, starts messing with the formula and decides that one half of the team should be "funny." Now, there is nothing wrong with being funny, but then what's funnier than a bumbling, incompetent, annoying, cowardly person fighting crime with a serious, hard-as-nails action hero?

Now make a wild guess and tell us which half of the team is the one getting saddled with the non-heroic role?

What's So Bad About That?

If we have to explain why it's bad that the black guy is always the dumb one and the white guy is the invincible action-god, then we probably don't have enough room here to bring you up to speed.

What is interesting is the Bad Boys franchise, where Martin Lawrence plays the cowardly/incompetent black sidekick, but to a partner who is also black, but just in a more acceptable way. Does that still count? If not, why?

We'll leave that to you to figure out. Write a paper on the subject and turn it in by Thursday.

Top 10 Worst Black Films Of 2007

Alrighty then. Hope you guys had an awesome day yesterday, no matter what you chose to do. I was going to do one of those standard end of the year "Top 10 Best Films of 2007" lists for black film, but guess what? Surprise, surprise, I couldn't think of ten. The really sad part is I couldn't even think of five. Damn.

The big ticket black films of the year, "Why Did I Get Married?" and "American Gangster" were amusing to watch, but nothing more. The fact that they are considering Denzel's performance for a Golden Globe and other such awards just underscores how bare our cupboards are to me.

Here is to hoping 2008 will be a banner year for Black Cinema.....

Anyhoo, I did however have enough fodder for a "Top 10 Worst Black Films of 2007". Surprise, surprise, again (not). These are in no particular order, as I think they were all pretty much equally atrocious. Some of them kinda walk the line for "Black Cinema", but I included them because of their casts, their hype, and high visibility in the Black Blogosphere:

#1

I Think I Love My Wife

When, when, when is Chris Rock finally going to get it that he does not need to ever be in a film of his own making? Just produce (and for heaven's sake no more directing!), or star in a movie that someone, anyone else, wrote. This was a remake of a non-black film that I've seen called "Chloe In The Afternoon", and it was so mangled in it's interpretation that I didn't even know it until I read that fact yesterday.....so he can't even translate someone else's material. Here is a short clip of him talking about how he came to make this film...LMBAO acting like there was some kind of artistic thought/process behind this bulls--t:

#2

Code Name: The Cleaner

The whole time I was watching this (and for the life of me I don't know why I watched it till the end) I kept saying to myself "Why would Cedric make this movie?". It'll be a happy day when Cedric The Entertainer finds a film or a T.V. show that matches his hilarious abilities in his stand-up. As of now--not even close. This is a clip of the one kinda (operative word kinda) funny scene in the movie. If this is the best it had to offer, you can just imagine how dismal the rest was if you haven't seen it:

#3

The Salon

One of the most stock, stereotypical, lazy black films in quite some time, and that's saying a lot. I wrote about it here. They could've had robots make this movie and no one would have noticed the difference. Some foolio named Mike Brooks had a short clip on "youtube" and it looks like he has a very, very small part as "Street Vendor" in the film, and used this scene for his acting reel/resume. It is a perfect snapshot of everything that is wrong in this movie:

#4

Daddy Day Camp

Cuba Gooding. A script even Eddie Murphy wouldn't touch. An already worn to death premise. 'Nuff said. Here is some New York guido with a clip called "What's Going On Cuba?" The ish is low budget and unscripted, but dude is funny as hayell and completely on point:

#5

Confessions Of A Call Girl

Tho this one had an extremely limited release (with good reason) and zero hype, I included it anyway cause Tamala Jones was in it, as was Lynn Whitfield, who must have absolutely nothing else going on whatsoever. This movie was supposed to be a drama, but was so freakin' laughable that I think they need to rethink the genre and make it comedy. I wrote about all the painful details here. I tried to find a clip of this movie, but all that kept coming up was this tired picture, but in a way it's apropos, so here you go....for those of you who don't know, this is Karinne "Superhead" Stefans, infamous groupie, hoe, and bubblehead:

#6

Who's Your Caddy?

What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said? It came from the "Our Stories" production company that is supposed to be our savior, and make "wholesome, family oriented films that are a reflection of us and our community" (their words). If this movie is a reflection of us, we might as well pack it in right now. The fact that this film, after all of it's extensive hype, only made $2.9 million in it's opening weekend spoke volumes. Here is a clip of some of the actors and Tracey Edmonds talking about some of the scenes like this crapfest was "Goodfellas" or something---SMH. At the end, Tracey says "This summer, there is nothing like our film coming out". Truer words were never spoken.

#7

Perfect Stranger

Halle Berry continues to make horrible film after horrible film, but is still considered A-List. In fact, has she ever, ever, starred in a great film? In a good one? Even a decent one? I'm talking a theatrical release, not television. The state of mainstream acting seems to be that your acting abilities equate to how the public views your face. The more beautiful the perception is, the better actress you are. Makes perfect sense to me (insert sarcasm). Nicole Kidman and Keira Knightly, anyone? Here is a clever mash-up of Halle's movie and the sitcom "Perfect Strangers" with Balki:

#9

Are We Done Yet?

Admittedly, I haven't seen this film, but the Good Lord knows I don't have to to include it on this list. Here is a so-called "Blooper Reel", which is ironic, as this is what this whole film seems to be. It also shows off Nia Long's super-amazing acting abilities:

#9

Smokin' Aces

Not technically "Black Cinema", but a large portion of the main cast was. After the huge hype of Alicia Keys, Common, and Taraji P. Henson being in it, it was a HUGE letdown, from the beginning to the closing credits. I kept waiting for it to get better, and it never did. I didn't even feel like looking for something interesting associated with this movie, so here is the trailer:

#10

First Sunday

I know it hasn't come out yet, but let's just get it over with to make more room for next year's list, kay? Since I posted the trailer the other day, here it is with some super dramatic music some funny genius uploaded on youtube. It changes the tone and context entirely....kinda goes back with what I say sometimes about how important a soundtrack can be to a film:

Btw, "Rush Hour 3" might've taken spots 1 through 6 if it was considered Black Cinema and not a mainstream summer blockbuster. Congrats to Ice Cube, who made this list twice.

Today in B'Days

Chris Tucker is 35, his tired schtick is 25.

My Weekend At A Glance

Rock The Bells: Indisputably the best live show on the planet right now. Cypress Hill has still got it, and for all his faults, Flava Flav is the best Hype Man in the business, bar none.

Limoncello Martinis: For those of you that have wondered; chilled Italian Limoncello liqueur and vodka (preferably Grey Goose). Sugar optional.

Rush Hour 3: Hot garbage.

btw, this is Chris Tucker's mugshot

Rushier

I liked Undercover Black Man's post on Rush Hour 3....it's a pretty simple and accurate wrap-up:

What’s the use of hating on Chris Tucker? He does what he does, the fans apparently want to see it, rich white people get richer, and Chris gets paidz too. That’s called a “free market.” It’s also called “the Death of Meaning.”

Why does watching him make me feel empty inside?

I saw “Rush Hour 3” on Friday. I had enjoyed the second one and never watched the first. This new one earned $50 million at the box office – less than the opening weekend for “2,” but still a hit.

Chris Tucker brings nothing fresh to the game. He is so limited in what he can do to make you smile or laugh, I guess it’s good he doesn’t make more movies. Because I’m about done.

Here is his repertoire of moves:

1.) The Motor-Mouth

2.) The Horny Guy

3.) Funny/Bad Singing

4.) Funny Dancing

5.) Funny/Bad Kung Fu

6.) Funny Faces

7.) nothing else

'But Dave, isn’t all of that stuff enough? You heard the people laughing, didn’t you?' I heard the KIDS laughing. This is entertainment for sugar-addicted juveniles who demand only that their senses be stimulated for a while.

I wish Chris Tucker had the soul of an artist. I wish he were interested in a deeper level of storytelling. But, hey, he’s only 34. Maybe it’s coming.

As for “Rush Hour 3,” there are two good things in it. French actor Yvan Attal is funny as a Parisian cab driver. And the big action set piece at the Eiffel Tower is well-designed and well-executed by director Brett Ratner.

I just want more for my money, that’s all.

From I.W.: Amen.

No Rushie Rushie For Me

I'm gonna try to post today....the girlfriend that I'm staying with in L.A. has dial-up (?!) and the weak wireless signal that I can pick up now and again seems to be transmitted from Mars. You would think I was in Wyoming instead of the City Of Angels....

Anyhoo, we were debating on whether or not to see a matinee of "Rush Hour 3", and I seriously could not force myself to go. I just felt like it would be a waste of two hours of my life (sorry Chris). For my favorite movie reviewer's critique, brother Wesley Morris, click here.

I opted instead to rewatch Stanley Kubrick's "Full Metal Jacket" on DVD, and since this is a black film site, I won't really elaborate, but Kubrick's visuals are always seriously genius. I can't really think of anybody who can f--k with him--every frame is like a beautiful photograph in his movies. And oh yeah, I will never be able to hear the line "me so horny--me love you long time" or "me suckee suckee" without lmbao again.

If anyone sees "Rush Hour 3" this weekend, please let me know what you thought.

Thank Goodness!

Chris Tucker is finally going to make something besides a Rush Hour movie (he has made only Rush Hour I, II, and III in the past ten years). He is in negotiations to play the lead in a comedy about the first black president, called "Mr. President".

Admittedly, not much of a stretch, but baby steps, baby steps...at least Jackie Chan's not in it. And it certainly couldn't be any worse than that Chris Rock black president movie, that's for sure.

You Were Expecting Greek Tragedy?

Saw this on my fellow blog buddy "for colored girls" blog:

Chinese officials have reportedly expressed concerns about scenes involving Chinese gangsters in Jackie Chan's new action police comedy Rush Hour 3, casting doubt on the movie's release in the country.

Variety magazine said on its Asia website that Chinese officials believe Rush Hour 3, which features Chan and Chris Tucker combating Chinese gangsters in Paris, is "fundamentally anti-Chinese."

The Rush Hour series revolves around the racial humour derived from the pairing of a Chinese (Chan) and black American (Tucker) police officer.

China's Film Bureau often asks foreign filmmakers to edit scenes they consider offensive. Censors recently cut scenes of Chow Yun-fat depicted as a bald, scarred pirate in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, saying the images insulted China's people, state media reported.
The Chinese government carefully screens foreign media content and allows in only about 20 foreign films a year.

Variety said Chinese officials won't offer filmmakers a chance to edit Rush Hour 3.

From I.W.: Ummm...hello? Are they really that out of it in China? All the signs were there months ago:

-Loud, obnoxious trailer--check

-Brett Ratner, one of the kings of Hollywood excess, directing--check

-Chris Tucker's warmed over coonery** shtick--check

-Co-starring Oscar caliber (not) actor Jackie Chan--check

-Third sequel of a franchise that was fine left alone at the first one--check

You don't need to exactly hire Sherlock Holmes to figure out it might not be suitable for Communist China. Why even bother to make it an issue?

**thanks yobachi

Wowee

From sohh:

Film director Brett Ratner revealed to New York radio station Hot 97 that he is currently working on a new project with an all-star cast including Eddie Murphy, Chris Tucker, Chris Rock, Jamie Foxx and Dave Chappelle.

According to Ratner, Murphy called him to direct the untitled flick, which will star the aforementioned actors as employees of the Trump Tower, conspiring to rip off the building's residents.

Ratner also divulged that Denzel Washington might be added to the cast by the time the flick begins production in January 2008. The movie is presently being put together by Russell Gerwitz, who wrote the script for Inside Man which also starred Washington.

From Invisible Woman: Wow, talk about ego collision. Almost sounds like a black "Ocean's 11", which I heard Ratner was interested in making as well--guess he doesn't have to now. I just hope Dave can keep it together until it's finished.